Social Anxiety and Starting a New Job

Posted on June 16, 2010 by anniekds

Today is my first day of work at Taco Bell. My uncle helped get me this job because he is the manager. Even though he is not supposed to hire family, he made an acception for me and I am so grateful to him because I really need money and the economy right now is shit. However, I think I am probably going to throw up. I just keep wondering, “What if the other employees don’t like me, pick on me, or take an attitude with me? What if I start crying and someone sees me? What if they think I am weird or stuck up? And what if I just plain fuck everything up and everyone yells at me and thinks I am a horrible employee, and that Ron made a mistake in hiring me?”

All these horrible thoughts are running through my head, over and over again. I just have to remind myself that it is my Social Anxiety Disorder, not my own personal short-comings. It’s simply a mis-firing in my brain that I was born with, telling me to run away. “DANGER AHEAD,” it tells me. But it is a mirage. Not real. The chances that my worst fears come true are very slim and even if they do, I will not die, I will not spin out of control, no one will abandon me or beat me or torture me. The only one torturing me is myself.

But I am going to go in there with a good attitude. I did landscaping with my parents for 3 years. I shoveled leaves and dirt and gravel, shoveled snow in the freezing cold and mowed 3 or 4 lawns a day in the burning heat. I endured 2 years of high school, with constant anxiety and not enough drugs to keep me calm, I put up with snobby, mean, catty remarks and agressive, hateful teenagers, filled with angst. I can fill taco shells for 4 hours a day. This is nothing.

For most people, this would be a breeze. For me it is petrifying. In the past, I have blamed myself, telling myself I was just weak, or lazy, or a freak of nature. But not this time. This time I am going to give myself permission to blame it on genetics, conditioning, whatever it is that caused me to be this way. I am going to say, “Fuck you social anxiety. You are there, and I hear you, but I’m not listening to you because you are just a bully and everything you say is lies.” It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to be shy. There are plenty of people out there just like me, in fact, there are probably employees working there right now suffering from the same problem.

After today, it will get just a little bit easier. And then the next day, and the next, etc. etc. I will realize that people ARE willing to accept me and that I am NOT a fuck up and that it is easy. And I will laugh at myself because I was worried over nothing.

Do you dream when you're not asleep
and do you sing when no one's around
do you dress up real cool on a saturday night
does it make you feel alright?

There's Too Much Blood In My Alcohol System

Hello, my name is Annie and I am an alcoholic. The last time I had a drink was 5 minutes ago. And before that, about an hour. Tequila. I drink because it makes the world prettier, and I do not want to stop drinking, but if I keep drinking, I will either kill myself or become a loser. The thought of never having another drink scares the living shit out of me. Help?

100 Modern Classic Movies

Found this list from some google search. The ones in bold are the ones I've seen. My
question is where how did South Park make it and Forrest Gump
didn't?






1. Pulp Fiction (1994)
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995)
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998 )
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
9. Die Hard (1988 )
10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
12. The Matrix (1999)
13. GoodFellas (1990)
14. Crumb (1995)
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)
20. The Lion King (1994)
21. Schindler’s List (1993)
22. Rushmore (1998 )
23. Memento (2001)
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)
27. Aliens (1986)
28. Wings of Desire (1988 )
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
30. When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
32. Fight Club (1999)
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)
34. Fargo (1996)
35. The Incredibles (2004)
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
37. Pretty Woman (1990)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)
40. Speed (1994)
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
42. Clueless (1995)
43. Gladiator (2000)
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988 )
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)
48. Scarface (1983)
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988 )
53. The Truman Show (1998 )
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)
59. L.A. Confidential (1997)
60. Scream (1996)
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)
73. Office Space (1999)
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)
82. Lost in Translation (2003)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
84. Sideways (2004)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
91. Back to the Future (1985)
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood (1994)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)

Being "Gifted" and Having Social Anxiety

I was different as a kid. Bet that comes as a huge surprise. Hell I guess I'm different as a young adult. Growing up, people were always labeling me as "gifted." If the gift they were referring to was a lifetime full of anxiety and pressure and social isolation, then yes, I am highly gifted. I've grown to hate that word and the associations that come with it, so I'm going to use the phrase "highly intelligent" instead. Don't call someone who's retarded special because I'm sure retarded people don't see their disability as some special gift. The same applies to geniuses or highly intelligent people. Being highly intelligent to me means that you have to go through life without ever being fully understood, feeling like a freak, and never fitting in. The fact that I am supposedly "highly intelligent" means that I think all the fucking time and I can never shut my mind up, so I am constantly trying to quell it with distractions like drugs and alcohol, or television, or, hey, even blogging. My social skills are OK-ish, meaning I can fake fitting in but playing pretend all the time is exhausting. The only time I feel like I can really be myself is when I'm alone or with people I'm close to or have known my whole life, and there are only a few of those.

To add to these great gifts, I am also a girl and an only child. Being an only child means that you are constantly under your parents' inspection. You are the apple of their eye but you're also expected to be perfect all the time. Growing up I was never able to get away with anything and I was incredibly sheltered. I think I tried to make up for lost time when I was a teenager (of course I still technically am one) by drinking, smoking pot, stealing and having sex, which I thought made me so incredibly grown up and cool. Of course these things didn't make me a mature person but in a lot of ways they did help me to fit in, which I geuss is why I'm naturally drawn to losers or people with dangerous or wild lifestyles because they are the only people I feel accepted among, and even then I feel like a misfit, because they're not on my intellectual level. Yet I don't feel like I am good enough to be accepted by well-rounded, successful people, so what am I supposed to do?

So being highly intelligent does not by any means equate to making highly intelligent decisions. I may be intelligent when it comes to critical thinking or spatial relations but I'm emotionally and socially retarted, so there you go.

Sometimes I feel like an alien or a monster. Sometimes I just wish I could be someone else or just die because I will never be what this world wants me to be. Why can't the world just be filled with people who are more like me? Wouldn't that be easy? In a world of me's there would be no war, no one would ever hurt eachother, not with words nor guns. Everyone would be interested in things like psychology and other cultures and word origins and they would be kind and patient and understanding and smart and funny and interesting. Now I sound like a narcissist. I can't decide which I hate more: myself or the rest of the planet. I guess I shouldn't hate myself so fuck everyone else.

Many people who are "gifted" are introverted and shy just like me. Of course, where am I ever going to meet these people if they are all hiding in their rooms like I am? Plus I am highly sensitive so any kind of rejection or mean remark is like having my heart ripped out, so I avoid any kind of situation which could involve rejection, which basically cancels out life.

Right now I am on xanax for anxiety and some beta blocker which I don't really think I need, but oh well, I'm not paying for it, it's my dad's insurance. Haha. Poor dad. I'm also supposed to get on Cymbalta again for depression. I drink every day and sometimes I smoke pot, but depending on the situation it makes me paranoid. Drugs help. Maybe if I take enough of them I will fry my brain just enough so that I'll be on everyone else's level. But in reality, no pill can cure you. No plant or potion can ever change who you are inside. And I don't think I will ever stop having anxiety or stop being highly intelligent so I guess I am just going to have to learn to love it and live with it. But that's the hardest part.

There are some good things about being the way I am, whatever you want to call me. A freak, a genius, a retard, or what have you. I'm extremely accepting of people's differences. I'm a total liberal. I'm all for gay rights and racial equality and a woman's right to choose blah, blah, blah... I'm your typical liberal, except probably to an even greater extreme. I don't have to try that hard to get good grades at my lil' community college, so that's kinda nice. I'm sure I have other good qualities I just can't think of any right now.

It would be nice to meet more people like me. Maybe my blog is like a secret, subconscious attemt to attract more smart interesting people into my life - people who can share these same experiences of feeling alienated and alone and not knowing what their purpose is or if they will ever figure it out. Part of it is just being young, I know it's cliche but sometimes Mom and Dad are actually right. But I thought it was supposed to get better after high school. I'm still waiting...

The Obligatory "Things That Bug Me" Blog

Ok, so this is my first blog. I'm sorry if the grammar isn't perfect or the thoughts are messy or unorganized. I haven't done much writing in a long time. It's not like I have anything extremely original to say, but then again, neither does anyone else. So I figured, why the hell not?

Let's just start out with a little information about me. The reason I started a blog was because it's difficult for me to voice my opinions verbally, even though I'm usually pretty opinionated about things. Having some form of media, whether it be visual art or the computer or paper or texting, makes it that much easier for me. I am an 18 year old female living and going to a community college in the enlightened, exciting, oil field town of Farmington, New Mexico. (That was sarcasm. This town sucks ass.) I went to a liberal arts high school in Austin, Texas but dropped out because (oddly) I hated it. Socializing was painful for me because I have a fairly severe social phobia and I wasn't doing great in my classes because I skipped class alot, even though I probably could have aced them all had I given a shit. I curse alot. I think curse words are an important part of the American vernacular and should be used frequently, but in the right context only. Ah fuck it I think they should be used all the time. I am currently unemployed, partly because of the poor economy, but partly because I am (shhh) lazy and shy, and getting another job sounds like a nightmare. But enough about me. Let's talk about something that's actually interesting (maybe, hopefully).

Ok, so I started this blog because there were a couple of things that are really bugging me and nobody else really seems to notice how insipid they are, which bugs me even fucking more.

Let's start with MTV. Ok, I am a hypocrite because I am addicted to MTV. I watch it all the time. Just thought I'd get that out there. But I have a love-hate relationship with MTV because, first of all, the channel's name is an obvious misnomer. When was the last time you saw any music on MUSIC TELEVISION?! It should be called Trashy Annoying Addictive Reality Douchebags. Or TAARDS for short.

MTV seems to be having some kind of love affair with these teen pregnancy shows. They air them about 8 hours of any given day. Did you barf in your mouth too? I understand their intent. They're trying to show teens how life-altering and awful it is to become a teen mom. But at the same time, aren't they sort of making it seem ok to get pregnant as a teenager? They play happy little music in the background and make these little Juno-esque scrap-book shots of these girls' journies through pregnancy. It's like they're making it into a little fairy tale. And yes, they did the interviews with Dr. Drew at the end where they talked about how the dads were deadbeats and their lives are over, etc. But couldn't this all have been avoided with better contraception? And if that option fails, GET A FREAKING ABORTION. Sue me, flame me, send me death threats, put flaming bags of dog shit on my porch. Pro-lifers suck my dick. I had an abortion and I am not proud of it but my mistake was getting pregnant not terminating. A teenage girl's life is more important than some non-sentient foetus. But I am not going to get into that right now. That's for another blog. I just wondered if I was the only one who was disgusted by these shows. They're almost as bad as The Hills and The City and all those other shows that illustrate what a useful tool abortion would have been when all the Heidi's of the world were conceived.

I also abhor social networking sights. It's sad that pressing an "accept request" button is what passes for friendship these days. I especially hate Facebook because it has this hipper-than-thou attitude which is just bullshit. Everyone thinks Facebook is soooo much better than Myspace because it's more mature and it doesn't have all the distractions of Myspace. Plus, Myspace is just so last year. I mean, like, who has a Myspace anymore, like? Pshhh. At least Myspace has some element of creativity to it. You get to pick your own background and music. You get to express yourself somehow. On facebook everyone has the same boring white background and no music like little clones. And no, I don't want to save the rainforest by sending you an electronic rose. Even my dad has one because it's ok for a hip, liberal, 40-something journalist to have a Facebook, but Myspace is just for kids and morons. Trying to avoid morons is an exhausting persuit because it's NOT POSSIBLE. The fuckers are everywhere!

That's it for now. I was just bored and needing something to do. Starting a blog sounded harmless enough. Now where did I put that tequila?